Howdy, Texas. COVID-19 here. You may know me from the longest and deadliest pandemic of your lifetime, or from the way my new delta variant has filled your hospitals.
When this pandemic began, the other droplets and I knew we were up for a real test because, surely, any reasonable politician would do whatever it took to stop us from spreading unabated. Indeed, we’ve faced some steep challenges from concerned governors, Democrat and Republican alike.
But only one man truly had the vision and courage to do absolutely nothing of value to protect the lives of their constituents. Only one man has been so distracted by Republican primary politics that we’ve been able to infect over 3.5 million of their voters.
That man is Greg Abbott, and on behalf of COVID-19 particles everywhere I am proud to offer him my full endorsement for re-election in 2022.
Because, really, when you think about it, who has done more for us and less for the people that rely on him than Greg Abbott? Not that he hasn’t had competition, his own lieutenant governor Dan Patrick at one point suggested you sacrifice your grandmother to me for the sake of a thriving economy (we see you, Danny, and we love you), but Abbott took being in over his head on public policy to a new level.
First, he rushed the re-opening of the Texas economy last summer and we were able to infect literally hundreds of thousands of you. Then he started attacking mask mandates, and has spent tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars fighting against your county judge’s ability to protect you. But, most crucially, it’s the way he fights tooth and nail against vaccine mandates.
I mean, does this guy get us or what? Think of every common sense thing you could do to stop me. Go ahead, I’ll wait … Gregy Poo wants to do the exact opposite of that.
He’s a real wild man, and we love him for it.
And then came the cherry on top. Last week, I got to know Governor Greg first hand. After traveling all over the state without a mask on, and despite taking three doses of a Covid-19 vaccine, I got him.
That’s right, I was personally able to infect the governor and we spent a couple of days getting to know each other, and boy, did it just prove our point. This is the guy for us in 2022.
Granted, he was able to get that rare monoclonal treatment that knocks a virus like me right out and he started testing negative after a couple of days, but I’m not worried about that.
After all, he was mingling in the middle of a crowd of hundreds of his own supporters breathing me all over them the night before he tested positive.
And it’s not like he’s doing anything to make it easier for the people that really need monoclonal treatments to fight against me to access them.
Don’t believe me? Go ahead. Ask your doctor for it if you catch me.
In closing, we couldn’t be more honored to endorse Greg Abbott for re-election in 2022, because we aren’t done with Texas yet, and with his help, we won’t be for a very long time.